Dreaming of Moshiach

Thursday, July 03, 2008

The Ultimate Commandment בין אדם לחברו

From time to time, I think about death - people die all the time either because of old age or illnesses. But sometimes young and healthy people die, without any prior warnings. 8 young boys go to their Yeshiva and some fanatic terrorist enters the Yeshiva and shoots them to death. A woman takes her 5 months old baby for a medical checkup and little does she know that on her way back home, she will need to throw her baby out the window to save her baby and get crushed to death by a terrorist, HI'D.

I think about death from time to time. Sometimes when I say Kri'at Shema I wonder if I'll merit to have my soul returned to my body. When I wake up and see that I'm still alive, I say Moda Ani - Thank YOU HaShem for returning my soul with mercy.

Frequently I question myself if I am ready for the Day of Judgment? Without a doubt, my answer is NO. The other night my husband was thinking out loud and said he wishes to know where his place will be in Olam HaEmet. I asked him if he really means what he just said and when he asked me why I'm questioning him, I answered that I'm petrified to know where I'll be placed in Olam HeEmet.

In my mind, if I merit to go to Gehenom, it'll be a Merciful Judgment. He asked me why I think I'll be judged to Gehenom and I replied that it is because I sin too much and although I regret it most of the time, I really don't feel that my Teshuva is sincere. Externally, b'h, I changed and dress like a daughter of the King, but internally, I'm pathetic. I tremendously lack Ahavat Israel and quick to judge others without mercy. There is more but don't want to publicly confess.

When did I begin realizing that Ahavat Israel is not embedded in me? Last week when I wrote that all gays should suffer... I received many emails from kind people explaining why it's wrong to say it and asking me to remove it but I refused. After going thru personal turmoil, I realized it was extremely wrong to even think this way.

HaShem has so much patience with each creation, each person, including sinners. Who am I to pass judgment on Am Israel? My duty is to love every Jew and leave the judging to HKB'H.

The Noam Elimelech - Rebbe Elimelech of Lyzhansk, zs'kl, says that every word spoken is weighed in Shamayim. In fact, every time something is spoken, a Malach writes down everything we say (Devarim: Midrash Rabba 6). Nothing is lost - not one single word. Our words actually remain permanently embedded in the atmospheres. Our Sages teach us that after we die, the walls of our home will appear before the Heavenly Throne and the Heavenly Court, and they will bear witness to what was said and done.

On Shabbat Parshat Shelach, my husband was saying a Dvar Torah on Rachav, a'h, and said in the name of the AriZal that Rachav is a Tzaddika. Without thinking twice, I idiotically blurted out that Rachav was not a Tzaddika. Needless to say, my husband got angry with me for contradicting the AriZal. Two nights later, my husband dreamed and the AriZal HaKadosh told my husband that he is personally מקפיד (strict) on me for saying that Rachav was not a Tzaddika.
When my husband told me his dream, I immediately realized that I lack Ahavat Israel and am too quick to judge and I must immediately correct it and do Teshuva.

The first thing I must do is to apologize to the AriZal HaKadosh - סליחה ומחילה. Please help me to help myself do sincere Teshuva.

Rachav HaTzaddika - if I merit to do .00001% Teshuva like you, I'd not fear death so much. Chazal (אליהו זוטא פרב) teach us that you were called Rachav because you became 'רחבה בזכויות' (plentiful in merits). Please forgive me. B'n and B'h, from now on I'll begin saying Tehillim perek 12 (RaCHaV - small gematria 12) לעילוי נשמתך הקדושה.

I apologize to the homosexuals -- I sincerely pray that your tendencies be removed and you merit to do Teshuva Gemura - Amen.

And above all, HKB'H please, I beg YOU, Merciful Father, help me to correct myself internally and externally; enable me and Am Israel do sincere Teshuva while we're still alive and could.




והיה השם למלך על כל הארץ, ביום ההוא יהיה השם אחד - ושמו אחד ישתבח שמו לעד לנצח נצחים בכל העולמות Blessed is His name for eternity in all worlds אין עוד מלבדו